Oh pill-ease!

Went to the doctors on wednesday for a physical. He, being the good doctor, checked on my general well-being mentally and physically and I told him that I had drunk an entire bottle of wine the night before. I suppose that doesn't constitute as a 'glass of wine with dinner'.

He has now put me on Effexor.

I've been feeling a lot of tension with Rebecca. I am realising how angry I am at her for asking me if I had 'wanted Craig to die' and for her telling me that she had been hating me. Lately I have been avoiding her as I have not wanted to hear about what her father has said or be the victim of rumours. I find it sickening that although Craig hung himself, I have been faced with the gallows and a very public execution myself through people looking to BLAME. I have bitten my lip and TAKEN it, but I now wonder at to what cost to myself. This feeling of being hated has in turn taken it's toll on my perception of my relationship with Craig -- I am finding it increasingly hard to recall any fond memories of us. I have stopped looking at photos -- turning face down pictures I had up in my bedroom of him.

Of course I will always feel guilty that I wasn't aware enough, that I didn't come home early enough, that I just didn't DO enough -- but that doesn't justify people aiming their guns and firing at me.

My relationship with Craig was loving but difficult -- how could it have not been?

I see other girlfriends, including Rebecca, treating their boyfriends in the same manner as I may have done with Craig at times -- I am HUMAN -- an insecure little fucked-up one at that.

I thought about the apartment tonight. Imagined myself walking back inside. Maybe there I would be able to recapture us -- right now there's just pain.