Hokey Pokey

I played poker tonight for the first time EVER. Yes, I realise I'm a little late catching on.

Also went to Chapters bookstore earlier in the evening and picked up a couple of books which I am now too lazy to go into the bedroom to pick up so I can write what they are. I will let Mr. Blog know later. I feel tired but I can't sleep. Turn off the light but I start crying. I miss Craig. Sent his sister a 4 message long text message, telling her:

a) That I've started playing poker.
b) That I'd bought books
c) About the dream I had.

Cigarettes taste bad with Baileys. It does something weird to the Baileys. I guess it's the Baileys that tastes bad with the cigarettes.

By the way, I don't smoke.

Hell YEAH I'm angry!!

I woke up feeling very positive today and had good vibes all morning - then went out for lunch and started feeling nervous and uncomfortable. Felt like everybody was being really loud and I wanted them to shut up. I knew there was something underlying all this....then I realised it is Ethan night and I had to phone and find out what was happening with him. I seem to get down just because I know it's always going to be so difficult. It ended up with Pat (Craig's mom) calling me as she is going away for a few days and needs me to feed the cat. She told me that she had had Ethan on the weekend but couldn't deal with him so he had gone to Becky's. Again...NOONE called me. I'm so DAMN angry that they don't bother to let me know that he's there and I could have seen him, and I know of course, that Karin would have been over and so I get neglected once again. I'm sick of it. I sent Becky a text message saying that I had found out he'd been over and I would have appreciated a call as I shouldn't have to BEG to see him, and that if I'm NOT going to be able to see him I would like to be told as costing me an arm and a leg staying here. This whole situation is screwed up. It happens all the time and I really feel that I would be better off running away back to Australia. It's like a cloud over my head all the time, worrying about what is going to happen.

Baby did a bad, bad thang

I've been doing a lot of really stupid shit recently. My friends say I'm becoming increasingly self-destructive. I guess it kinda happens when you're not watching.

I've managed to push Justin away completely. I think I managed it quite well by basically telling him to f**k off. He's gone through a hell of a lot recently and didn't deserve it at all, and he still remains not talking to me. I think he's taking it a 'little' far now, but maybe it's a good thing we've found out how extreme we can be. I don't know...I really don't know.

And so the other night I end up taking a drug I thought I would never take with a bunch of guys who will probably spend the majority of their lives in jail or won't be alive at all to tell the tale. They kept a gun underneath the couch 'just in case'. I can't survive like this.

Had a letter from my Aunt who thinks I should go back to Australia. It wouldn't be a bad idea. I have constant dreams about the horses and my little life there, and I'm NOWHERE near a pub. I might not have a social life but at least I'm alive.

But my JOB is changing and that looks like it's going in a good direction. I wish this job was boring, or I worked with fuckwits....it would make this so much easier.

Yes, it's the morning. GOOD morning.

Does it really bother you so much if I don't acknowledge you immediately on seeing you, even when I see you every damn day? Do I really have to jump straight in with a "Good Morning!" as soon I get within 20 metres of you? Does it hurt your ego that much?

What IS it with people?

Furry Purry Wurry

Dreaming of you

Yesterday was 'Canada Day'. Last year Craig, Ethan and I spent the day down at a park in the city where they have an annual festival. It was such a beautiful day, Ethan had a lot of fun and we had one of those moments when it was "Yeah! This is what it's all about!!" It felt good. We could do it.

I was driven past the park on my way to my friend's and it brought back all those good memories. Man, do I miss him. I think seeing the festivities triggered something in me, because last night I had a beautiful dream of Craig.

It was weird (as all dreams are)...I was walking in a crowd with Ethan and suddenly Craig is in front of us. I watch as Craig and Ethan ecstatically are reunited and Craig performs aerobatics with the little guy. Craig comes over and puts his arm around me tightly and we walk, he tells me that he's been given a second chance. He's been allowed to come back to try again. I can feel his arms around me, I can remember his touch. It feels SO real.

I miss Daddy too.