Second post

Forcing myself to write tonight -- already!

My doctor put me on Paxil last week, today has been the fourth day of me taking it. I feel nauseous and more panicked and anxious than before. I went out for dessert and hot chocolate with friends and they commented on my 'jitters'. Also been given Ativan to calm me down -- curiously, I feel the Ativan alone would do more for me. I'm going to give it a few more days and see how things go.

Craig's sister was over last night. I drank and discovered that Paxil and alcohol is a combination I should avoid. I have noticed a decrease in my usual craving for a glass of wine at night, I suppose that is a good thing at least. We, as usual, went over details of Craig's death. I opened up a little and told her that I have been consistently agonizing over the last few hours and wondering if he had tried to stop himself once he'd tied the belt and tipped the chair.

Craig had drunk six beers on the night of his death -- six tallboys of Grolsch. I'm convinced he must have also taken clonazepam when he came home. He had half a pill left in his pill bottle and I remember him taking one pill and also giving one to me on that afternoon, after we had visited his counsellor. Both of us had returned from that meeting shaking and we needed something to calm down, this was a detail that I hadn't remembered previously. Yes, clonazepam calms you down, but I think he may have taken enough purposefully so he would be unable to save himself once he had started to hang himself.

I'm dreading work tomorrow. I am beginnning to feel an enormous amount of weight on my shoulders and feel gradually more and more overwhelmed at the prospect of the next couple of months. I can barely keep it together for a day.