Borderline Personality Disorder

It has been suggested that Craig suffered from what is known as a 'borderline' personality. Becky gave me a copy of "I hate you -- don't leave me' - Understanding the borderline personality by Jerold J. Kreisman, to read a while ago now, and I've just picked it up. I'm sitting here AGAIN at work with nothing to do....I still don't understand how I can get on to this site, but hey....I'm not complaining.

So...the borderline personality suffer from eight common criteria:

1) Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships.

I can vouch for that! INTENSE....oh boy, yes...we were intense in every way. We CLUNG to each other, our love making was intense, our fights were intense, our passion for each other was intense, our need was intense, our fears were intense. There was no doubting that we loved each other.

2) Impulsiveness in potentially self-damaging behaviours, such as substance abuse, sex, shoplifting, reckless driving, binge eating.

Craig could be impulsive but I'd say it was mostly substance abuse and sex. Something I really didn't approve of was his using G....a drug unknown to me and frankly, when he was on it he was a monster. He became extremely sexual -- apparently it alters your perception so that even people who are ugly look good and you would just about do anyone! I know he was faithful to me at the end of our relationship, but that had always been a concern for me...even he had said that if he was going to cheat, that would be the only thing that could fuck him up and cause him to. Again, it was escapism for him. He also smoked pot, which is nothing big and only at his friend's house. But I failed to see why you had to get high with someone all the time....can't you just have a beer and laugh???! They'd light up, smoke....and then his friend would be asleep in half an hour -- where's the fun in that??

He also took comfort in food when he was down, his weight fluctuated greatly. After he died and I was cleaning out the locker downstairs I found laundry baskets full of dirty clothes that he had no doubt just dumped down there when I was coming for a visit! He had countless pairs of beige pants, shirts and t-shirts. I always wondered where his clothes disappeared to and there they all were!

3) Severe mood shifts.

This was certainly true of Craig. I think it was more a case of the severity of his moods than sudden mood shifts. He would cry desperately and feel very blue. We'd get out of the apartment and walk, that seemed to help. I always found his apartment to be oppressive.

4) Frequent and inappropriate displays of anger.

This was more at himself than anything else.

5) Recurrent suicidal threats or gestures, or self-mutilating behaviours.

6) Lack of clear sense of identity.

7) Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom.

8) Frantic efforts to avod real or imagined abandonment.

It also goes on to say that:

The lure of ecstatic experiences, whether attained through sex, drugs, or other means, is sometimes overwhelming for the borderline personality. In ecstasy, he can return to a primal world where the self and the external world merge -- a form of second infancy.

Though feeling continually victimized by others, a borderline ironically and desperately seeks out new relationships, for solitude, even temporary aloneness, is more intolerable than mistreatment. In the relentless search for a structured role in life, the borderline is typically attracted to -- and attracts to her -- others with complementary personality disorders.

Yet, for a borderline, relationships often disintegrate quickly. Maintaining closeness with a borderlien requires an understanding of the syndrome and a willingness to endure a logn walk on a perilous tightrope. Too much closeness threatens the borderline with suffocation. Keeping one's distance or leaaving a borderline alone -- even for brief periods -- recalls the sense of abandonment he felt as a child. In either case, the borderline reacts intensely.

And on to job problems:

Though borderlines have extreme difficulties managing their personal lives, many are able to function productively in a work situation -- particularly if the job is well-structured, clearly defined, and supportive. Many perform well for long periods, but then suddenly -- because of a change in the job structure, or a drastic shift in personal life, or just plain boredom and craving for change -- they abruptly leave or sabotage their position and go on to their next opportunity.

Of course Craig had just had a promotion at work which he was very nervous about -- he thought his coworkers would see him as "the failure that he really was."

A lot of this book makes sense to me in relation to Craig. It also hits home to me, strongly, in many ways. I know I have problems when it comes to feeling desperately insecure. I don't particularly like myself. I drink. I certainly push people away then feel awfully abandoned when I am rejected.

A little likeness for likeness.

Tomorrow is the first day of July. How could so much sadness happen in a year?